Waiting for independence

Sipping coffee opposite the illuminated TV screen on a rainy Sunday afternoon, the dog sleeping in her bed and my grandmother’s hand-made quilt over my post-shower perfumed lap, a strange feeling came over me. I felt a sense of surrealism, disbelief at what is my present life. My feet, though firm on the sofa, felt as if they couldn’t reach ground, as though they couldn’t grip reality.

Two days ago I made my return from a week in Barcelona. In this foreign, urban, exciting land I experienced relative freedom. The money that I had saved for a year funded this week, cementing my independence, and it was I who controlled my own movements, my own nourishment, my own adventures. I spent it in the company of my friends, without supervision, just us. Alone. Independent.

In a week and a half’s time, I’ll be making my way to a festival in North Wales with some friends, camping and drinking to the screaming chords of electric guitars and the not-so-harmonious shouts of lead singers. Again I will be free. For four days, I will once again experience a form of personal freedom.

A week after that, my A level results will be placed in my hand, with the decision of where I will be spending the next four years of my life. Uncertainty clouds this day. Fear and helplessness has pinpointed the date, the 13th of August, in my crazed brain, haunting my dreams.

Frustration at having to work and having to wait for any certainty about my future is slowly killing me. My upcoming week is crazy: I’m volunteering tomorrow, I have another voluntary induction on Tuesday, the dentist on Thursday, work on Friday and Saturday, my grandmother and my mother arriving on that same day and volunteering again on Monday. I guess cramming my life is one way of dealing with the lack of control I have presently.

Barcelona made me realise that I need to travel once I leave university. It sounds so cliché, but I need to have a taste of different cultures for my own self-satisfaction. I want to see France, Italy, but also the East. I want to see India, Pakistan, Eastern Turkey, Syria, down to northern Africa, Algeria, Egypt, Palestine and Israel. I want to buy one of those scratch map posters and be able to scratch off areas that I never imagined I’d see. Slovakia and Slovenia, Australasian islands, even as near home as Scotland and Ireland. I want to work for a year and then experience everything these countries can offer me. I’m just gagging for excitement and for adventure. If I were a man, I would do it right now, take a year out and do it. But, as early morning Barcelona showed me, being a lone 18-year-old girl traveller would not be a safe option.

Perhaps it is this new-found dream of another life that fuels my dissatisfaction in my own. Until that unsavoury date, August the 13th, comes knocking, I don’t know what’s ahead of me. I’m scared but I cannot wait for the imminent independence which I hope this date will bring.


Melodrama. About school, mostly.

I have a week and a half until my exams start, and less than two weeks until they end.

I know, jammy right? 😉 I have three exams, 2 – 2 1/2 hours each, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I then get to prance around like a happy lamb on a sunny spring afternoon. Woop-dy-doo.

I can’t remember what having a social life and free time was like. From looking after the children for many evenings and constant schoolwork (mostly Textiles) I haven’t had time to myself for months!

In less than two weeks, I’ll be free of everything. I’ll be able to read. I’ll be able to watch TV. I’ll be able to dance around to Dolly Parton in my bedroom until three in the morning. Oh, and I’ll also be able to party.

With two parties being already set, Runner and I are also planning trips to places and camping nights and a whole lot of everything else with everyone we know (nearly); it’s going to be a blast of a summer!

The thing is, I have a month of so-called “study-leave” which of course I won’t be using and so is a holiday, but after that, guess what? WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. For six whole fucking weeks of the Welsh Baccalaureate (which is a pointless compulsory course in Wales where we have to write a mountain of pointless essays on working with others and whether Wales is better than another country in something – which it is, for creating pointless courses).

BUT (I know I shouldn’t start a sentence with a but, but) we have work experience for one week and I’ll be going to Oxford University for a summer UNIQ course for another, so a month isn’t too bad…

In total, five weeks of school (counting this week) left until the summer holidays.

And five weeks left of school until our last year there technically begins.

Oh such a joyous occasion.

(Which reminds me – BlackLace’s ‘other girl’ now has her own ‘other boy’. How about that? 😉 )

A Quick Update …

Life has been quiet recently.

I haven’t talked to BlackLace since that night, and I couldn’t care less. Honestly now, I’m over it. He was overwhelmingly sexual; it’s a cuddle and a chat that I want in a relationship at the moment, and we never had that. It’s funny that when I was sort of ‘seeing’ him I completely overlooked aspects of his personality, that, upon reflection, are not at all to my liking. Examples of this include his lack of respect for anyone but himself, his inability to have a normal conversation and his general dick-ish behaviour. Haha, fuck him.

I’ve been elated ever since 3 o’clock the morning when I arrived in my bed after that epic night. I feel like nothing can hit me; I’m invincible. Cheesy, I know, but it’s fucking awesome to feel like this. If I could have actually walked on sunshine for the week following that night, I would have.

Party time’s now over: exams are coming up, and my head is going down. I have a French oral exam this coming Thursday with another three exams in mid May. Not too bad, but I’m currently lacking in confidence. It’s not that I’m not studying, it’s just that coursework has been heavy; my English has only been submitted this week and my Textiles isn’t even in until after Easter. Gaaargh.

Looking on the bright side, Summer’s going to be amazing! I’m crossing over to your land, Americans, to the city that never sleeps and its surroundings. I am absolutely BUZZING! I’m trying to sway my mum towards going to Atlantic City during the ten days we’re on the road (we’d have spent 5 nights in NY) just so that I can stand by the sign and sing Bruce. Asbury Park would be the dream, but it’s been shot down to infinity already…

There you go, an update on my rather boring current existence.

You can now go back to your own mundane existences, peeps.


Oh, and don’t forget to put your make-up on and your hair up pretty, and meet me tonight in Atlantic City.

(that is, towards the end of July)

Exams, Exams, Exams …

English dialects

Image via Wikipedia

Well, hello world 🙂

I’m in the middle of my exams, therefore my general mood isn’t at its greatest ever peak. Today I had my non-calculator Maths exam and the second half of my Welsh exam, which consisted of an opinionated piece of writing and a creative piece. To be fair, my creative story was legendary! Only because I’m seriously sick mentally. Someone has to die in my stories! Set on the theme ‘Lost’, or ‘Ar Goll’ if you’d like the Welsh word, it was about a girl that had run away from home, and found herself in the high street of the town that I live in. She wasn’t physically lost, oh no, she was mentally lost! In the end, she heard her mum’s voice on top of the town’s famous cliff, and followed it until she fell off. :L Okay, maybe not legendary, but it was a really weird and pointless story.

In Maths, there was a pie chart. And in that pie chart were many different colours of hair, collected by a ‘year 10 pupil’. 3.75 angles to one person I had. 3.75!! 57 (for example) divided by 3.75!! In a non-calculator test!! What am I, a number machine??!!

I’m now a faithful and dedicated fan of Ed Sheeran. His music gives me goosebumps (literally!) and I find some incredibly soothing, like The A Team and his cover of Wayfaring Stranger, and others immensely cool like You Need Me. Seriously, check out his website; he has wicked jewellery on it too! I’m drooling over the Faked Beans bracelet and the KitKat necklace!!

Rain is banging against my window tonight; I find the sound soothing. Somehow, it’s like a lullaby, sending me straight to sleep!

I’m going to have a quick read before I finally turn my lights off, and tomorrow my Biology and English Writing exams await me. The joys of teenage life. xx

Ollie, Nic and Eggna …

Cardiff on Tuesday was like an oven. My feet were like stones after hours of shopping and a walk around the castle! My lovely Office shoes STINK now too. But, bagged a good deal at Ollie & Nic – two £20 each necklaces for £7 altogether! What a deal! Very proud if I’m honest!  Fancied a Karen Millen tribal-ly dress, but for £210, I’ll give it a miss at the moment! The necklace in the picture was £4 from Ollie & Nic.

I know I should be non-stop revising for the exams that are on in two weeks time, but I’m just busy all the time! And with this weather, how can anyone stay inside all day with a Maths book?

The easter egg called Eggna that my MamguBont bought me (yes, Marks&Spencers – only the best ;)) melt in the car. Now it’s just a white pancake with lips and wonky eyes. Hmmm. Sabotage your brother’s Stig easter egg I hear you say? What a good idea … He did break my tights!

I’ve been given a row by Mum that I shouldn’t wear tights on such a marvellous day. I know I shouldn’t but I havent shaved for a while and …

Sarah Jane Smith (Elisabeth Sladen) has died! NOOOO!! I’m not usually saddened by a celebrity’s death, but I have to say I was both gob-smacked and teary when I heard on the News last night. I know, personally, I will miss her for she was a really talented Doctor Who actress, and her spin-off series was amazing.

I’d better go and shave my legs then, before Mother’ll have a heart attack. xx