Life’s a Female Dog …

Once again my happiness has been melted away by the rays of the burning BalaBoy.

I’d nearly forgotten about him, after 3 weeks of not speaking, until he suddenly text me last night.

‘I’m sorry if I upset you. I didn’t realize how much you liked me. I still like you though.’

Well, that makes it all ok, doesn’t it BalaBoy? You still like me? Well that’s a shame, as you’re such a b*****d.

But of course that wasn’t the end of it. No, not when we’re talking about this donkey.

‘I’d never hurt you on purpose and what I said to you wasn’t true.’

‘What wasn’t true?’ His ‘other woman’, that’s what.

Yes, he never liked another girl – he used her as an excuse to ‘not get too close to me, because of our situation’.

Well why couldn’t you have just told me straight? I mean, that’s just sick. SICK. Who does that?

My reply to him: ‘Well f**k you. F**k bloody you.’

‘I knew you wouldn’t understand.’

Um, what?!?! He’s screwed up as HELL this guy.

But I need to talk to him, as he’s screwed up MY head in the process of screwing his own.

I broke down in tears tonight as I asked him why he just decided to text me like that.

‘I felt bad over what I said.’

‘And it took you 3 weeks to realise it?’

‘I’ve been busy.’

Hahaa, I bet you have, you d**k.

‘I’m gonna go now, I’m depressed.’

Oh are you now? I tell you, this guy’s got a face and a half.

So now, I don’t know what to do.

I’ve asked him to call me so that we can talk, but he hasn’t even replied to the text.

And I need to talk to him. As much as I dislike him at this very moment, I need to talk to him.

But while doing this I’m feeling too pushy, and I want to hold back but I can’t because my head is rolling about the place; my tears are being switched on as if by a remote when I see a post of his on my Facebook Home page and I just cannot do something without thinking of him.

He doesn’t know how much he’s actually messed me up. Internally; emotionally.

And I’m not even a grown-up yet.

That’s screwed up.

Well, this is such a lovely, up-beat post, isn’t it?

I thoroughly apologise that my life can be an utter mess sometimes.

And when I say utter, I mean UTTER.

On the good side, CurlyGirl + Tinted have been such amazing friends as they’ve just cheered me up, and made me forget all about him when I’m with them. I really thank you for that 🙂

So, I’m listening to David Bowie with sad eyes and annoying everyone with my problems.

Oh, life’s a female dog alright.

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A True Teenage Rollercoaster …

Until yesterday, I was on the highest point of happiness that I’ve ever reached in my relatively short life. Everything was going my way: I’d just come back from a family

Half Pipe -water slide in water park Serena.

Image via Wikipedia

break in Devon and felt at peace; I felt my friends’ presence in my life, which is something I hadn’t really felt for a long time; my relationship with, I’ll call him BalaBoy (even though he doesn’t come from Bala), was flourishing; I was losing a tiny bit of weight; everything was going my way.

Until yesterday.

BalaBoy, after a long and funny conversation, dropped the bombshell of his antics with his previous girlfriend (I won’t tell you just how it came up – mostly because I can’t remember). Yup, you guessed it – he’s had sex. Immediately my smile faded. To be totally honest I was a bit disgusted – there’s a reason why there’s a law stating how old you need to be! He said, following my obvious disgust: “I don’t care what anyone says because it’s the most amazing thing two people in love can do.” Probably true, but he’s only 15! I expressed my opinion of us being too young, and that we have 60 years (I actually said this) to have sex, but we only get one childhood, and we need to live it to the max, but he seemed to disagree. I just think, what’s the point of being a kid if you can’t live like one? I definitely don’t feel old enough to commit myself to a boy like that, and I don’t want to. I want to live freely and enjoy what I’ve got. I made myself a promise, after many friends of mine have lost their virginity to boys they don’t have a relationship with, that I would not have sex until I’m mentally ready, and when I feel ready to do so. And I’m going to stick to that promise, even if I’ll have to sacrifice a couple of things in order to keep to it.

One sacrifice might be BalaBoy.

Yet, I can’t seem to let go.

He’s made me feel so incredibly happy, I don’t want to lose him. But, I might have to let him go – I’m not, under any circumstances, going to have sex with him until I’m ready. It might be a couple of months or a couple of years before I feel that way, but I’m making no exceptions.

He lives really far so it might not be possible to have any sort of relationship anyway.

You might now think: what the hell is this girl doing with this boy? Well, what I’ve written makes him look as some sort of a criminal – but he’s lovely. He’s kind, funny and doesn’t take anything to heart. He’s had a tough time with his family therefore he’s immensely strong-minded. He makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, as you say, and I miss him a LOT when we haven’t spoken for a while.

I’d nearly die if I had to give him up.

So now, I feel awful. A severe up followed by a severe down in a matter of a day is agony!! A definite adventure park water slide of extreme height.

I hope that the spirits of tomorrow advise me to do the right thing.

I shall have to trust them.