“Thanks for the s**g.”

Amongst talk of universities, summers and getting wasted, I lost my virginity.

I don’t feel any different. It came (accidental pun) and went and I carried on with my night. I then carried on with my week.

It’s not that it wasn’t nice – it was – and it’s not that it meant nothing – it did – it just seems like there’s a massive media build up towards “Yeah, that’s good. Thanks.” I’ve got to say though, having a person I sort of trust to have the honour of being my first (achievement.) was lovely as I didn’t care about how the fuck my body looked, how the hell I “performed” or if I was being seductive enough. I was so preoccupied with someone wanting me, and that person being a decent human being, that everything else (nearly) didn’t matter.

I bet it falls into the obvious teenage losing-your-virginity process: festival, too much booze, tent, mates banging on the walls when you’re putting your clothes back on, sneaking out the other side of the tent, lack of pure remembrance… Honestly, I don’t care about the cliché, I’m just happy that it’s over and done with.

Am I interested in the guy? No. Do I feel an emotional attachment? Not particularly. Do I mind it being a one-night-stand? Not at all. If anything, I’d rather it that way. It’s less messy and those stupid ‘feelings’ don’t need to have another ride, which is always a bonus. I’m glad I’m not living in the 1700s – I’d have been a shit 18-year-old loved-up housewife.

Strangely, things that made me rather anxious before also don’t affect me as much. I’m much more at ease with my body, even though I’m not at my ideal weight, and I don’t care as much about my appearance. I feel older, without reason, and feel like I can conquer anything. Untrue, but I rather enjoy having a relatively positive way of thinking for a change…

On that positive note, I have to re-sit a whole year of English Literature due to my exam results…

There are worse than T. S. Eliot and Yeats.


(And no, he wasn’t the Irish dude.)


A True Teenage Rollercoaster …

Until yesterday, I was on the highest point of happiness that I’ve ever reached in my relatively short life. Everything was going my way: I’d just come back from a family

Half Pipe -water slide in water park Serena.

Image via Wikipedia

break in Devon and felt at peace; I felt my friends’ presence in my life, which is something I hadn’t really felt for a long time; my relationship with, I’ll call him BalaBoy (even though he doesn’t come from Bala), was flourishing; I was losing a tiny bit of weight; everything was going my way.

Until yesterday.

BalaBoy, after a long and funny conversation, dropped the bombshell of his antics with his previous girlfriend (I won’t tell you just how it came up – mostly because I can’t remember). Yup, you guessed it – he’s had sex. Immediately my smile faded. To be totally honest I was a bit disgusted – there’s a reason why there’s a law stating how old you need to be! He said, following my obvious disgust: “I don’t care what anyone says because it’s the most amazing thing two people in love can do.” Probably true, but he’s only 15! I expressed my opinion of us being too young, and that we have 60 years (I actually said this) to have sex, but we only get one childhood, and we need to live it to the max, but he seemed to disagree. I just think, what’s the point of being a kid if you can’t live like one? I definitely don’t feel old enough to commit myself to a boy like that, and I don’t want to. I want to live freely and enjoy what I’ve got. I made myself a promise, after many friends of mine have lost their virginity to boys they don’t have a relationship with, that I would not have sex until I’m mentally ready, and when I feel ready to do so. And I’m going to stick to that promise, even if I’ll have to sacrifice a couple of things in order to keep to it.

One sacrifice might be BalaBoy.

Yet, I can’t seem to let go.

He’s made me feel so incredibly happy, I don’t want to lose him. But, I might have to let him go – I’m not, under any circumstances, going to have sex with him until I’m ready. It might be a couple of months or a couple of years before I feel that way, but I’m making no exceptions.

He lives really far so it might not be possible to have any sort of relationship anyway.

You might now think: what the hell is this girl doing with this boy? Well, what I’ve written makes him look as some sort of a criminal – but he’s lovely. He’s kind, funny and doesn’t take anything to heart. He’s had a tough time with his family therefore he’s immensely strong-minded. He makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, as you say, and I miss him a LOT when we haven’t spoken for a while.

I’d nearly die if I had to give him up.

So now, I feel awful. A severe up followed by a severe down in a matter of a day is agony!! A definite adventure park water slide of extreme height.

I hope that the spirits of tomorrow advise me to do the right thing.

I shall have to trust them.